Zombies.....Attack!

Saturday we had a Halloween party. It hadn't planned on doing on this year, the kids are all getting old enough that they are content to do things with friends or just sit and watch scary movies while eating the candy we are supposed to be giving the trick or treaters.

My sisters asked me to host one, I said no.

They asked again and gave me those little sister eyes and said "pleeeeaaaassseee" and I said yes.

Eh, I'm the big sister, it's my job to be a pushover for them.

I threw it together pretty last minute and thankfully we were able to have a pretty good party. I invited some friends from knit night and the kids next door and kept the party really short, just enough to sugar them all up and  and send them home to drive their parents nuts.

We didn't even have costumes for anyone in our family except Romy and her weird Nyan cat ensemble. 

Being the creative geniuses that we are (not Sweet Geniuses, I'm telling you Caleb, that guy was created in a lab and I totally agree with your Voldemort/Julia Child suspicions) we came up with some halfway decent last minute outfits.

Well,  Emma's was just weird.

Like, Sweet Genius weird. 

Grey's was weird, too. 

Weirder than Zane's Drunk Santa last year.

Matt and I were the nerdy 50's couple. 

Zane was a rocker, Kate was a Hobo and Jane was a zombie child. 

I think Jane was the winner this year.

 (Um...Mommy? I think my babysitter is a zombie...)

 (Look Ma, no flies)

We did our traditional treasure hunt where I make the whole thing up as we go along. I sound like a silly dork, but the kids love it. The pinata set up was interesting, but it worked.

I made some cute treats, rice krispie Frankenstein heads and cake ball eyeballs. they were filled with green slime (pudding) but the cake absorbed it all and instead of slime filled they were just moist and tasted even better.

Short and sweet, but I think everyone had a great time. There were so many little cuties who thought they looked so tough in their costumes, but the tougher they acted, the more adorable they were, we just had to pretend that we were all really impressed and intimidated by all of their moves. 

(My sister Lisa and family. Adorable. Erik clearly really loves her to be willing to rock the King tritan outfit like that. They looked amazing.)

We had a great time and I am thinking-hoping- this is the last little kid Halloweenie party I host until I have grandkids of my own- and that had better not be for quite a few years yet.

OR ELSE....

I know where zombies live, I will send them after the brains of any of my children who make me a grandmother before my time......

(Mmmm...Brains)

I hope everyone has a safe holiday this evening, Olsons will have chocolate, so don't come here and I can eat it all myself! 

Scrap Crap

Romy wants to be this for Halloween:

I have the weirdest kids.

I haven't taken them trick or treating since 2006.

No we're not that kind of weird, it's just that it's one of those holidays Matt's ex "owns" so the older girls are never here for it.
 I figure my ex is a parent too, he loves the kids just as much as I do and just because the state doesn't deem something a legal holiday, it doesn't mean it's okay for me to not give him the chance to be with the kids if he can. I miss out on holidays the state says are "mine" but their dad misses out on the boring day to day stuff, and I would be a jerk if I took that sheer blessing of time for granted.
 That's just me and what I feel is the right choice.

This year, Matt and I will be taking Grey and Roe out and it will probably actually be our last time until we have grandkids, and then it will just be us tagging along and taking too many pictures.

Actually, I think that's what we will be doing this year, too.

It's so weird having kids get older. I keep waiting for it to feel normal, but it doesn't. 

Don't get me wrong, I am so over sippy cups and Dora the Explorer, but it is still weird. I was in that place for a long time.

A few weeks ago I could feel some changes coming up in my life- big ones. 

I know now what they are and I'll talk more about what's happening when we've let friends and family know first. I love you blogland, but give me another week. 

It's nothing bad.

Just change.

As I prepare myself for the change thing, I have thought a lot about things in my life I need to stop putting off and get taken care of, things I spend time and money on that don't work anymore.

I'm still working on the swearing, doing better, but bleah- it's hard to quit because I honestly find swearing to be hilarious. 

I know, I know but maybe if I'm open about the dumb things in my head, it will be easier to just face them and fix them. 

I've been thinking about it and I think it is time to let go of something else- something I really identified with who I am as a person-- scrapbooking.

I haven't done more than 30 pages in a calendar year since I married Matt. I don't buy nearly as many things as I use to, but I still keep the habit supported. I've moved my scrap area to four different places since moving here, hoping it will be convenient or something I enjoy more than just hanging out with my husband and kids, but really, I don't want to be up in some creative space away from everyone and it makes too big of a mess to keep it out somewhere public.

Also, I like knitting more.

And I want to seriously start working on learning to hand quilt- yes, I know machine is more efficient, but I 

have no desire than to do a few baby blankets here and there. I want to be able to make a decent quilt by the time my kids start getting married and even though that's still a few years away, it's not THAT far away.

Weird.

Anyway, this is a decision I've been going back and forth on for a good year and I think it is time to just do it. 

 I just don't get the enjoyment out of the way I use to. I feel guilty that I don't scrapbook more often and that is a dumb thing to carry guilt over. 

I'm still going to keep a decent amount of supplies, I'm just going to contain it to one or two large boxes of stuff and I am going to stop scrap shopping. I'll scrap with the girls when they want to and I always have digital scrapbooking, which makes no mess, and I can re-create anything I can make with paper. 

I have thousands of dollars worth of supplies. It's going to be hard to give it up, but if I don't do it while I feel strongly that this is the right choice, I will hold onto that stuff forever and it's not going to be in style after a year or so anyway. I'll go through it and offer it to local family and friends before I donate whatever they don't want to a fitting charity.  

Cousin Marla, is there anything you've been wanting to get your hands on here in the states that I probably have? I'll give you first dibs if you'll send me a wish list since it's flat rate shipping.

I'm still going to be annoyingly crafty and I'm still going to scrapbook, I'm just letting go of my need to identify myself as a scrapbooker and the justification I give myself for using up so much space and money on a hobby I really haven't enjoyed all that much in years. I like cooking more, I like knitting more, I like photoshop and taking pictures more, I like spending time with friends and family more. 

I am a good scrapbooker. I've been published, on design teams and had layouts I designed used as advertisements, blown up to wall size for trade shows. I almost started a line of paper and supplies with a talented friend, but life had other ideas.

 I like the ideas life had for me. 

I accomplished a lot scrapbooking and I am proud of that. I want to do other things and let this one go.

I'm still me. I'm still a paper snob. I still scrapbook, I just think that it's not paying off like it use to and it's time to see what else is out there and to make room for the changes that are right around the corner.

I know this was a long rambling post, but I needed to write it for myself, mostly. 

This is the right thing for me right now.

If I regret it, Joann's is just up the street.

UEA Weekend 2011

UEA weekend is over, we spent some of the time doing housework, yardwork and processing those grapes.

I also got to have lunch (well, shakes) with one of my favorite people on Thursday, my mother-in-law. 

She is  the best.

By Saturday we needed to get out of the house and escape the house we worked so hard at spiffing up.

We loaded up the kids who were home and took a drive to see the scenery through Guardsman's Pass.

Thank-you to the kind lady who offered to take a picture of all of us together

The gorgeous fall leaves in Utah tend to get derailed by early snowfalls that kill them too soon, but so far we've been pretty lucky in 2011. The season is stunning and reminds me why I love living here. It is almost pretty enough to get me through winter, but winter is so looooong.

 I adore this guy

(I adore the little guy, too.

 Beautiful child

Must. Stop. Growing. Up.

 My favorite picture of the day

 Anyway- we had a little picnic in Park City and enjoyed just spending the afternoon together, marveling at the beauty that is all around us in our lovely Deseret.

  

(I took a lot more pictures but THIS ONE photobombed about a dozen of them)

With that, UEA weekend is over and it's back to the grind tomorrow. 

I have to say, I cannot wait for tomorrow because the mailman is bringing me this:

My laptop battery has been wonky for awhile now, but in the past month it has just given up on me completely. If I even bump my power cord and lose connection for even a second, my laptop shut off, the battery will not hold any power.

The love is gone, making it impossible to play Words With Friends 24/7.

Grapes

My friend Betty harvested her grapes this week, but she doesn't have the time right now to do anything with them, so I went over and picked up a box of them and made jelly to pair up with homemade bread and use as neighbor gifts when the need arises.

I've never done grape, it was pretty labor intensive and such a mess, but it set really well and it tastes amazing.

Right off the vine

Nice and clean jars

Zane helped prep the grapes

My four dollar juicer I got at the goodwill.

It looks like a medieval torture device, but it worked really well, since it was second hand it was missing a part or two and we rigged up the hair scrunchie/baggie thing to catch the seeds and skins- very fancy. 

The juicer wouldn't attach to our counter tops, so we had to use a stood. 

 McGyver's Nana has nothing on me.

The jelly was easy enough to make after the fruit was prepped. 

Boil the juice, add pectin then sugar and bring to a hard boil. Easy peasy.

I upgraded to more decorative lids for this batch since these will be give away treats. 

In total I canned 13 pints of jelly, half of those went into half pint jars though.

Yes, that is Smurfs Cereal in the background- don't judge me, that stuff is delicious and only a buck a box last week. 

While I spent the day on that, Matt took down a lot of the branches in our backyard trees. We didn't prune this spring and they are really overgrown, so they look pretty butchered up now, but when they fill out with leaves again in the spring, they will be nice. 

Now if only a magic tree genie would come and remove that giant Chinese Elm that grows on the property line between our place and the Andrus house....if that beast ever falls, we're liable for the damage and every heavy snowfall, we worry about it. 

Today, no chores or work, we're going out as a family to enjoy the weather and see the changing leaves in our beautiful valley. 

Amazingly Interesting Things

I'm taking vitamin B-12 supplements. 

Grody drops I put under my tongue and they actually make a big difference in my energy levels during the day. 

I learned that people with certain stomach surgeries, like I have had typically can't absorb vitamins in pill form and they need to be liquids or shots. I thought it was because they were easier to take that way, but it it because you can't even absorb them when you've had certain things done like I have.

And I love how I feel with these dumb drops. My mood is elevated and I have more energy.

Very helpful at a time when the cold weather arthritis blues start creeping in. 

(Five bucks at Walmart, Yo.)

Also, I've decided to stop swearing.

I know, right? 

I've always been a follower of the J. Golden Kimball philosophy when it comes to naughty words.

Also, I find them funny.

Some people think that idiot Jeff Dunham and his stupid puppets are funny, I am allowed to think a properly timed F bomb is laughable.

(This guy is NOT funny. Please make him stop.)

But I need to stop.

I've wanted to stop for a long time, but I just never really gave it more that a half baked effort before.

(See that? I said half-BAKED, not the other word I was thinking- gold star for me!)

Already I have messed up and it's not even 9am, but I've been swearing pretty faithfully for at least 25 years, it's going to take some time.

Part of me is afraid of giving it up, which is totally silly and irrational, but it's been a crutch and part of who I see myself as for a long time.

And that is also dumb.

 I am not my pottymouth.

I have other talents, I really do it's just that I am really good at swearing.

But it is time to quit. 

Wish me luck, DANG IT.

No, I cannot say dang it. 

That's just going too far.

Anyway---

Clearly nothing but dead space rattling around in the old noggin today so I'll leave you with a link to another blog here the author actually has a purpose and something to say. I found her post today to be just what I needed this morning- something to think about.

http://flowerpatchfarmgirl.blogspot.com/2011/10/31-days-letting-go-of-status-quo.html

Magic Loop/Knitting

The cast on was hard, I think I finally got it by sheer accident, but I'll take what I can get.

The method in the book I was using was a bust,  simply could not figure out how to connect the loops using her method, so I turned to every new knitter's best friend- youtube.

I found a different method and replayed and paused it about a dozen times before I had both socks cast on correctly. We will see if I can duplicate that someday.'

But- I'm doing it, knitting two pairs of socks at once on one set of needles. 

I love that they are exactly the same, stitch for stitch and they will match perfectly.

Knit One, Donate One

Last year when I was all excited that I could finally make knitted socks, I went a little crazy subscribing to knitting blogs and websites. I've since learned that for the most part, blogs about knitting are boring.

So, I'm going to blog about knitting.

One of the things I found really interesting was the technique of knitting more than one sock at a time on a single set of needles. You finish the socks at the same time and can keep track of your rows and stitches so that no matter what, your socks match in terms of stitching.

I saw on one blog a guy (more guys knit than I ever would have guessed) who knitted 6 pairs socks all at once on the same set of needles. 

(someone needs to introduce this guy to an Xbox)

I have no interest in doing that many at once, but don't hold me to that forever.

His are toe-up and I hate the specific toe he used- I just needed to say that so my inner Monk could move on.

I got myself a copy of this book, written by the Obi Wan Kenobe of this method in the knitting universe, Melissa Morgan-Oakes.

My needle arrived in the mail today, so after I pick the squids up from school I'm going to give it a shot.

I think it will help me try some more creative stitches in my socks, something I'm reluctant to do since I never can remember what I did on the first sock, so I never try anything new.

We'll see how big of a disaster this ends up being.

**********

In the meantime, I've set a goal for myself to knit 5 'angel blankets" before the year's end.

I've finished two and am working on #3- easy knitting that goes fast, but it is for such a good cause.

My knitting pals and I knit tiny blankets and hats for 

http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/

It is an organization started by a  photographer who goes to the hospitals and takes photos for families who have given birth to a wee one who will never go home, who was born too soon or there were too many health issues and the babies passed away in the hospital.

She connects photographers to hospitals all over the country, and Doreen knows the woman who does it for our area.

Doreen kind of knows everyone.

 Between her and Joie I've got connections everywhere. :)

Anyway

It's not my story to give the personal details about, but I have a family member who had a newborn daughter who did not survive. She sent out birth announcements with a photograph of their family and it was one of the most touching things and I know how much those pictures mean to her and her family. 

I've never forgotten the tender look of complete love on the face of the parents and how moving it was and how incredibly hard that was for their sweet family that I love. 

Little ones who never will sleep in their cribs are always a part of their families. 

Now I Lay me Down To Sleep connects photographers to these families and they go in and do a photo session at no charge and provide them with tangible memories of their children, called back to heaven way too soon. Sometimes they babies are so small and there are massive birth defects, but everything out there for even the smallest babies is so huge. we help make hats that will fit the tiny heads in order to help cover any deformities. We also make tiny, soft blankets that are the right proportions for these darling angels.

To be able to wrap their baby in a blanket he or she isn't just overwhelmed by in size helps, to know someone knitted that blankie, just for their child helps. 

Some women have talked about one of the hardest things being that they have this image of having the baby be cold when he or she is buried, and the tiny blankest NILMDTS gives them, help them feel comforted, knowing their child was laid to rest in softness and wrapped in love. Some mothers keep the blankets, and it holds the memories they had of holding their little ones.

I am thankful that Doreen has hooked out group up with this organization so that we can help out, and it means that even when we are between projects, we always can knit up a hat or blankie for the group. 

Do you want to help?

We have some women who only do hats and blankies for the org, if you'd like to donate soft baby yarn, we'd use it. Since the blankies are small leftovers from other projects you have work great, just make sure they are made from softer yarn.

or, you could knit or crochet one up yourself and donate it.

It can be almost any size, sometimes mine are no bigger than a dishrag, I think we top out at about 2 foot square. Some people do fancy borders, some just keep them simple.

I'll bet you could do one before Christmas and I'll bet it will make you feel so good inside.

Just an idea for you all of you're wanting to play with yarn, but you already have 60 scarves and headbands.

Balance In All Things, Yo

Because my last post was entirely too serious.

Please ignore the kitchen clutter,.

Also ignore my no make up scuz hair day.

The Post Where I Ramble On and On Before the Sunrise

No pictures, either.

Yesterday started off crazy busy. By 8:30 am I'd already been to Grey's school twice, Roe's school, an emergency run to the grocer's and had taken two cute little girls out for breakfast at Einstein's.

Ameira, Roe's friend I was giving a ride to school had never been there. She was so cute. I got the girls bagels and hot cocoa. Roe walked up to the counter like she owned the joint "A toasted blueberry bagel with strawberry schmear, please. " Ameria looked up at me to order for her. When she got her hot cocoa, in a coffee cup with a cardboard sleeve when took a sip and said "this is kind of a fancy grown up place." Sh'e's as sweet as can be and I really like the calming influence she has on Romy. I hope their friendship continues and I can see elements of my own friendship with Romy's namesake present. I was the wild one and "big" Romy was the calm one, I got so many crazy ideas and she was always game to carry them out, but she also taught me the value of quiet time.

None of this has anything to do with why I've been awake since 5am.

Brain overload.

After I dropped off the last of the kids and started on the day's errands I found a new CD in my car. I guess I've had it for months, but I never noticed it before and certainly never listened to it. It was a CD of a bunch of old covers done by artists I enjoy- Joss Stone, Katy Perry, Lily Allen....

One remake was the Fleetwood Mac song "Landslide" and it was not the Dixie Chicks remake. I don't know the singer, but she had a sweet melodic voice and as I heard the song and let it steep into my soul,  I kind of knew that it was going to be one h*ll of a day, something huge was going to happen and I needed to keep myself grounded, keep things in perspective and know who I was. 

Ugh.

 I'm never in the mood for days like that. 

They happen, they happen often enough that you'd think I'd have it all figured out by now, but I don't.

 It feels like I never do.

The big "it" surfaced that evening. The kids had been being pretty snotty and I decided I was going to ground them from all things with a flickering scree. I collected Nintendos and power cords and calmly told the kids why and what needed to change. They were asked to start homework and help with chores, and they did, without any grief.  In the process of doing the chores one child's anger was seething and while they said nothing, you could feel it growing. 

The relationship was more important than the chores, so I asked the child to talk to me in their room. 

We talked about how they had been angry for some time, how they weren't happy and how I was running out of ideas as to how to help them. 

Well, I talked. 

They glared at me and refused to talk. 

I repeatedly asked what was going on with them and they rolled their eyes at me.

As I sat there contemplating beating my own head against the wall with this child, the Holy Ghost said to me "this child is carrying a burden too heavy for them, there is an event they need to be free of."

Well, crap. 

How do you talk about an event with a kid who refuses to speak?

Deep breaths, don't give up and remember who you are. (Ugh again)

Hours passed, tears were shed and finally it came out. 

This child was mad and had been mad for the better part of the year over something I had said.

I'd been upset one afternoon, and was venting on the phone to Matt and in my anger at the kid, I said something they overheard that hurt them. 

I've always taken great measures to NOT say the kind of garbage I heard every day as a kid. I've worked hard at keeping my temper under control and not using my emotions as an excuse to inflict pain on others, especially the kids. 

When I vent, it is to release the anger and move on to something more appropriate. I know too many people who vent just as word vomit and  see venting as a way of making another responsible for their feelings and actions. If venting doesn't actually get rid of the anger, it isn't a valuable tool.Be careful what you say when you are venting, not all words are okay. Like any tool it can hurt as much as help.

I didn't know this child had listened in on a conversation and my venting had harmed them. I didn't remember the event the child was talking about, either.

My gut instinct was to tell the kid that they had made a big deal out of nothing and I obviously didn' t mean what I said. I was defensive and suddenly annoyed- all of this drama over one 'silly' thing I said to someone else?

 But that little voice inside said "Well, that's how your parents would handle this situation, what are YOU supposed to do?"and I made a different choice.

I took a deep breath and told the child "that was a pretty crappy thing for me to say. It made you feel terrible and you've had to carry that with you all of this time. What I said wasn't okay, it wasn't true and I was a total jerk in saying it. No wonder you've been upset."

I didn't make excuses, I didn't explain, I didn't give my side of things. My side didn't matter, what mattered was that my words hurt my child and nothing I was feeling at the time was so important that they mattered more than my kid's feelings.

My kid stopped crying and looked at me.

We started to talk- actually talk. 

Breakthrough.

The air started to clear for the first time in ages.

 I watched my child's posture change as this burden was lifted from their heart. 

 I asked my child for forgiveness and promised I'd never say it again, that I was very sorry and I loved them.

I am responsible for my own actions. 

I am accountable for the words I say and even if they weren't intended to hurt- when they do- I own 100% of that hurt and caused it. Telling someone why you hurt them, or that the circumstances justified your behavior does nothing to heal broken hearts and mend things. 

I lived so many years being told one excuse after another for things being said and done that were simply bullcrap. Excuses made for saying terrible things all of the time. Blame placed on others for words said and followed by telling the hurt person that their feelings were wrong. In fact, since the hurt person "took it wrong" the hurt person was actually the bad guy for having such a low opinion of the one who had angry word vomit.

Layers and layers of crazy justifications. 

Absolutely no actual ownership of the things that were said, and what were done. Just a lot of "you made me do it."

The time has ended for 'you made me do it.'

It doesn't matter if the "you" is your health, your job, your kids, your clergy, your neighbor, Satan, stress or the tooth fairy.

You own your choices.
Not everyone is okay with that concept and in time in the past when I tried to make things better over things I have said I have had people seize the clear shot and take a swing at me, so focused on revenge instead of peace. They choose to nurture their anger and turn a blind eye to their role in their own unhappiness. They don't want to let go, they don't want happiness, they want power and they want to punish.
I have pretty consistently just walked away from those people. Good luck to you, but having me in your life obviously is too much and just because I make mistakes, it does not mean I am signing up to be anyone's emotional pack mule forever.
It all gets very complicated and tricky and it's not usually something that is easy to work out- on both sides of a conflict. Both people have to have a mutual goal in order for it to work, I think.

Eh, that's sounding preachy and I've really taken the babbling to an extreme here.
This isn't some message for anyone in particular, it's the message I gave myself last night.
I'm processing. On the Internet for the whole world to see.
At least I'm not showing you  my mole or talking about bras again.

Maybe my point in posting it is to serve as a reminder to myself and to my kids if they ever read this when I'm 6 feet under. I realized I could choose to be a victim of the past and repeat what I was taught or I could break the chains and be free of it. I am not the sum total of all of the garbage my parents dumped on my head, treating my soul as if it were their own personal toilet. 

I am doing better. I make mistakes, big ones,  but I am not without hope.

I am not broken and I can do hard things, new hard things and in doing them, foreign as they may feel sometimes, I can grow. I can choose to do the things I was taught by my Heavenly Parents and I have someone to turn to who will lead me in the direction I need to take so that my kids and my family learn things that will bring happiness to life.

There are many people out there who think I'm a jerk. I've allowed that internal filter to sit untouched way too many times. I know I have made mistakes and hurt others, I know I will probably say something today that is stupid and uncalled for. 

 I have things to learn and as dense as I may seem, I am thankful for a reminder that I can rise above the worst of my choices and help make things better.

It was a good thing, but still it was a hard day. 

I took my love, I took it down

Climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
Till the landslide brought me down
Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older and
 I'm getting older too.

Why I Will Be MIA For the Next While...

Two books I've been waiting for came out in the last 2 weeks.

I just finished Dead Beat in the Dresden Series, I think I'm halfway through the series, Matt has read them all. I'm a fast reader, but he's faster, plus he can read in a noisy room. I have to read in silence.
I know..... fascinating.

I also read the first of the Alex Rider (YA fiction) series. It was very good- kind of a junior James Bond. People get killed in it, so it has some action and grit to it, while not having any of sex or cursing. I'm excited to read the rest- but not until I'm done with these.

Son of Neptune- the latest by Rick Riordan.  His red Pyramid series was awful, I'm glad he went back to Olympus.

The Death Cure- out today- as soon as I log off I'm grabbing my slippers and a diet coke and will not stop until I'm finished

You Were Always Mom's Favorite- a book about the relationships of sisters- it was a whim purchase, it looked interesting on the shelf. I have good relationships with two of my sisters and no relationship with one of them. The sibling relationships paid the price for my mother's behavior, there are stresses and sensitive places that we all need to deal with in our own way. 

(Lisa and Sunniebun, my baby sisters)

 I don't expect this book to be some life changing self help book- I'm not a big fan of self help books- but I think it will be an interesting read nonetheless.

On the Road With the Ramones- because The Ramones rock and the book was 75%off.
---

This past weekend Matt and I had the opportunity to go to Park City.

Quiet, peaceful and just the two of us-- always a great combination. 

Park City is gorgeous, but I wouldn't want to live there.